


one part thinking against one part feeling.

by onlyeli



Series: danganronpa studies. [2]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 20:36:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19384219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlyeli/pseuds/onlyeli
Summary: or: leon learns.





	one part thinking against one part feeling.

it doesn’t start here, but it may as well: he is already the noun impulse made manifest, but being given a collection of letters to pin to his energy is gratifying in a way that his five year old mind can’t quite comprehend. his father is mostly nonplussed -- now the teachers that hand over tight-lipped smiles and behaviour slips can have their answer, and leon needn’t worry that there’s something wrong with him when he gets old enough to think too much about it. it’s the first time leon lets someone else tell him what he is.

or: leon learns he’s adhd, and his life changes.

in middle school, he picks up a great many things -- new slang, the knowledge that he needs to establish himself, a baseball. it doesn’t take a professional to tell that leon is going to be something special from the second he wields a bat, but he has them around to tell him anyway. cleanup hitter, they call him, ruffling his hair. he tells them he prefers leon. they laugh like he’s joking. 

they shave off his hair, and he cries. they make fun of his tears, sweep the blond tufts they’d sheared from him into a plastic bag, and life goes on. leon doesn’t cry much, after that. instead, he plays when they ask him, and they ask him all the time. quickly, he stops being the cleanup hitter and starts being lucky hit leon, kuwata 18, the wonderkid; these pseudonyms, he doesn’t mind so much. 

or: leon learns how to swing a bat, and his life changes.

his transfer to ll academy means he’s surrounded by boys who think they’re all just like him. they jostle in locker rooms, discover that one doesn’t always have to be nice to be wanted, decide that their compliments and catcalls are similar in consonant alone. this is how to fit in, this is how to remain afloat, and this, now, is leon kuwata. it doesn’t matter the intent behind their smiles as long as they’re smiling at him. 

or: leon learns how to lie, and his life changes.

soon, their approval turns sour. he feels, again, that old restlessness come crawling back in, low on its belly, fangs bared.

leon stops going to practice. he starts to resent his teammates, how they all seem to eager to play the same game in the sweltering heat day in and day out. he starts to get angry again, and this, before he knew what it was, is where it all went wrong last time. he needs a change, and he needs it now. his father hires nekomaru nidai, an ultimate student that attends hope’s peak academy, to get his son out of bed in the morning. sometimes, it works. sometimes, the space between leon’s blanket and his door seems cavernous, seems too daunting to even look at. he can’t put his feet down and have the floor swallow him up, and so he doesn’t. instead, he sleeps.

he still plays, when they need him. leon drags that slimy restlessness along with him, imagines hitting it out of the park with the same ferocity that he smacks a flyball. it doesn’t satisfy him much.

one morning, his little cousin -- more like a sister, really -- bounces into his room, jumps that chasm between bed and hallway in one deft leap, and pulls him up by the elbows. she’s his new coach, and she and nidai are going to put him through his paces.

or: kanon learns what depression looks like, and leon’s life changes.

part of his transformation, this time, is physical. despite regulation stating his hair had to be close-cropped, buzzed every few weeks or so (and each time with that twist in his gut, the memory of tears), he knows he wants to change it -- it’s time for something brand new. as soon as ll academy closes for the summer, leon takes his savings to a hair salon and stares hard at coloured squares until they blur. commitment isn’t his strong suit, and he wants to be sure. as he’s looking, a girl with blue and pink hair and a stylist’s uniform taps his shoulder, gestures to a letterbox red that hadn’t even crossed his mind as an option. she tells him that it would suit him, and she’s beautiful, and they talk until he’s done.

in total, he returns six times. each time, he gets something new -- another ring for his ear, the bar through his lip. on his sixth visit, she tells him straight that she only dates musicians. 

that’s fine. how hard can it be? it won’t be the first time he’s lied about himself to please somebody else. he asks about her favourite bands and comes away with a bunch of names that are too western to fit on his tongue.

or: leon learns about punk music, and his life changes.

when he gets scouted to hope’s peak, he’s in the process of finding out that music is, in fact, very hard. he’s long since lost interest in the girl (read: he realised upsetting himself was achieving nothing other than re-opening the cracks in his bedroom floor, and convinced himself -- for his own benefit -- that she wasn’t even all that pretty), but kept her recomendations close to his heart -- the sex pistols, the clash, iggy pop, all artists he sees himself in. leon isn’t a particularly brilliant musician, but perhaps that’s part of the draw; not being the best means there’s room for trying, room to play. 

it isn’t always easy. sometimes he loses patience, gets lazy, wants nothing more than to sleep away whatever grievance the world seems to have with him, but being an ultimate doesn’t allow that. he isn’t just a baseball player now; he’s an example, a figurehead for little boys sat in waiting rooms, about to be told something big. he knows that, but he doesn’t always remember it. 

he doesn’t hate baseball. not really. too long without playing makes him antsy, and he’s known that since he first started, but everyone is so convinced that he should be married to the sport that he feels determined to throw them off. he plays, though -- both sport and music, struggles to balance them in a way that makes him happy. but, despite that, he is happy. most of the time, he’s at equilibrium, and if he isn’t, he has friends he trusts to help him get there again. 

things are normal, until they aren’t.

or: leon learns that people are capable of horrific things, and his life changes.

for a year, they hide. for a year, they co-exist. for a year, they build something inside of nothing, and keep the bad stuff at bay. he laughs, and he helps fortify, and he plays music when he can, and he doesn’t sleep in, not once. there’s no room for boredom to slither in when there are lives at stake. leon fights against it, struggles, but, like always, plays to win.

or: leon learns to care about everyone else, and his life changes.

then, he forgets. then, a video. then, a horrible accident. then, she dies. it doesn’t end here, but it may as well.

or: leon learns he is capable of murder, and there’s nothing left to change.

**Author's Note:**

> leon is my FAVOURITE can you tell??? anyways this is the second dr work i've deemed publishable and i'm p fond of it but feedback is appreciated!! ty for reading pls read my byakuya fic as well im desperate <3


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